Getting to know Michel!

Some Good news and Bad news

2008-06-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

Hey loyal readers! it's BARRY! with some GOOD NEWS! and some bad news.

Good news first. I HAVE GOTTEN MY OLD JOB BACK! at Fitgasm 24. Now they have not offered me my full salary but they HAVE agreed not to continue litigation on my play-biting incident. They have allowed me to work for a quarter of my original salary, but have thrown in unlimited smoothies to help me out.

I will be watched continuously they tell me. WHICH IS FINE. I'm just so happy to be employed again. It's been so hard to eat and live since I lost the job. If it wasn't for my positive attitude, and the Johansens, I don't know what I would have done.

So, onto the bad news. Michel died yesterday. He saw an animal he though was a wolf walking around our bus yesterday, and well, he snuck up on it and tried to hug it. And, well, it ate him. It turns out that it was a coyote, and an hungry one at that.

But don't be sad. Let's keep it positive. He was a good kid, an amazing artist, and I like to think that he died happy because he was doing what he loved, hugging wolves.

The funny thing is that his mom is still alive, and he's dead. Cause his mom does some pretty bad things to her body.

I JUST RAN INTO MY OLDE PAL WILLY!

2008-04-02T15:16:00.001-07:00

Well, Willy has not spoken to Michel (EVEN THOUGH HE IS NEIGHBOR!!) SINCE LAST YEAR! because I borrowed some of his father’s militia magazines and some of his hair too. (it was for collage!!)

He has never forgiven Michel . . . UNTIL NOW!!!

It was great catching up to Willy.

His old music band, “Sexcellence” has finally broken up “for good”. BUT, he has started a new band called Ugly Kid Joe!. He said that the OLD Ugly Kid Joe disbanded in 1997, and that the name was “fair game” in his mind.

Willy is also VERY COMMITED to his band, so much that he got a tattoo that says, “UGLY KIDS JOE” covering his ENTIRE FACE! (Michel was going to point out the misspelling, but Barry REALLY wanted to leave.)

He said his band is getting their first big break this Sunday when they open for the band that is opening for TIGER NOIZES, the second most popular JILL SOBULE cover band in the area. (BTW: They are INCREDIBLE).

They’re playing @ The Rodee-OH!! on International Business Corporation Breezeway Court. You can’t miss it, look for the drunk horse they chain to the mailbox. (DO NOT GET NEAR THIS HORSE.)

SEE YOU THERE!

I have joined the business force!

2008-02-19T11:46:00.000-08:00

Well, since living on the bus, the Johansens and Mother’s lover (and my new dad!) )Barry have come on hard tymes. We are very cold much of the tyme, we have not eaten warm food in 4 days, and Mother has gone missing.

BUT, ONCE AGAIN!! Barry has used his positive attitude to help out the days.

Barry decided that we really need to “make some money” for “food”. And he has a plan.

Well, HIS PLAN TURNED OUT TO BE BRILLIANT!

We have been walking around our town all afternoon picking things up off the ground, and THEN asking strangers on the street if they will give us money to eat it!

I know what your are thinking . . . and I am thinking the very same thing: BARRY IS A BUSINESS GENIUS, AND NEEDS TO WRITE A BOOK AND/OR HAVE HIS OWN REALITY SHOW BASED ON HIS BUSINESS THEORIES!

And here’s the proof: WE MADE THIRTEEN DOLLARS in only 2 DAYS!.

And Barry says, if we keep it up, (if our stomachs can handle it), AND we stop wasting valuable tyme getting in rock fights with the East Side Hobos, that we’ll make the same amount of money EVERY 2 DAYS!!!

NOW, you might also think that its gross to eat things like terrier poops, dirty band-aids, condoms, and pine straw, but I would say to that: what’s not gross is HAVING 13 DOLLARS! (in Pennies!)

So Michel will keep eating melted ice cream covered in ants, wadded up receipts, green pennies, and pieces of dislodged sidewalk, as long as the money keeps rolling in, OR if some sort of internal bleedings happen.

Double peace.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

2008-01-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

It is a whole new exciting new year! 2008 will be full of joyness, excitement, WolfTown, USA meetings, funtymes, collection of found object to use in collages, the search for a girlfriend, a fresh set of collages (about wolves), and candycanes!

The Johansens had a fun tyme for Christmas! even though Michel did not get anything he asked for from the Santa Claus (the Jazzband-in-a-box! home jazzband creator, the Doctor Zhivago box set, OR the humidifier!), and our house burned to the ground.

BUT DON’T WORRY!, we are living in a VERY NICE abandoned bus near the quarry!

It all started on Christmas Eve, when Mother’s meth lab exploded in the living room. It was VERY EXCITING to see the explosion!, but the fact that it burned all of our possessions and the place where we sleep was very sad for Michel.

SO Michel is trying to think happier thinkings. Barry tells me to “keep my head up”, and “try not to think about the burnt hair smell” even though it’s “pretty overpowering”, and it “all that HE can think about”.

He has really got the right attitude. He’s also started doing this real cool “double peace sign” thing. WHICH IS VERY COOL!, and barry says to me that “not a lot of people are doing it” (which is double cool).

Barry says it feels good do make a “double peace sign” especially to people who are defacing your abandoned bus with “really confusing satanic iconography”. He says it lets them know that “you get it”, and that “you’re probably not gonna call the pigs”.

Well, I hope all you readers had a GREAT HOLIDAY!!, even if you don’t believe in holidays. See you soon at the next WolfTown mtg!!

Mr. Ziddle, THE FUNNIEST PERSON EVARR!!

2007-10-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Michel, (and Barry) just rewatched CARNIE HALLOWEEN! to celebrate the fact that the Halloween season is up on us. There are so many part of this movie that are funny that I HAVE TO tell you about!!

The Top 3:

3) Mr Ziddle dresses up like a jaguar and then he fills his hair pants with those generic looking peanut butter candies!! Which was so smart by the Mr. Ziddle character, because none of the kids who work and live at the circus would grab candy because he wasn't wearing any underwears, and he had a stinky "ding ding" that night.

2) There's this tradition in the Carnie world, where the eldest Carnie family member has to go into the woods and prove that they still have the right to live, even though they are draining the family's financial resources. Well, she leaves to go in to the woods (slowly) but before she can even get going, she trips on a tent stake and shatters her pelvis.

BARRY AND ME ARE STILL LAUGHING AT THIS.

1) But, MY FAVORITE PART is where the Carnie family have a big family meeting where they decide whether to spend their last 100 dollars on 83 bags of Chocolate Poppers or use it as a down payment on a new hip for Gammy Carnie.

It was even more hilarious when they realized that while they were making the decision she actually died right in front of them, and well, the decision was made for them! Whew!

Happy Halloween season!!! Tell me what you're gonna be dressing up as this year?

Michel will be dressing up like an English Apothecary! It going to be AWESOME, (unless someone has chosen the same costume of course!) I can not wait to speak my English accent and dispense some homeade medicines to children!

Wolftown, U.S.A. mtg . . . . SOON!

Barry has the Depressions!

2007-08-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

Barry is having something called depressions.

He has been laid off from Fitgasm 24!. That is why Michel has not written for some time. (and also the reason WolfTown, USA has not met in way too long) Barry said that is was something called "sexual harrasment" that made him leave the gym and stop being able to personally train people two days a week.

He said that he accidentally brushed up against a customers vagina with his nose when he was spotting her.

And apparently in "those type of situations" he was supposed to immediately say "oh, i'm sorry mam" instead of making "tiger noises", thrashing his head from side to side, and "play-biting" her inner thighs.

He is VERY SAD that he does not have "money" and "a place to wash clothes and get free smoothies" any more. Mother and I are happy to have him stay in our home for as long as it takes for him to get onto his feet, (and stop eating all Michel's Choco Dawgs!!).

On the awesome side, I have convinced Barry to become a member of WolfTown, USA! So YOU ALL WILL GET TO MEET HIM NEXT WEEK at the meeting (location TBD)! YOU WILL LOVE HIM.

He will be happy again next week Michel is sure, unless you mention things like "not having a job", or "vaginas", or if you make "tiger noises".

Hello NEW DAD!

2007-03-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hi friends!

I’ve got to tell you about a NEW FRIEND!! (and maybe NEW FATHER?)

I’m not sure if he will be coming to WolfTown, USA or not (he "likes animals” but not sure how muck he likes wolves). I will inform the group as our friendship grows.

So, his name is Barry, and he is Mother’s new boyfriend!

He is going to be a great father figure I think! He has ALREADY taught Michel to do something with my fingers called “SNAPPING”. It is SO MUCH FUN, and makes such an interesting sound. (collage coming soon!)

Barry is a personal trainer at FitGasm 24! It locates on the other side of town, in the Kroger shopping center. The same one with the Christian Grocery, the IF ITS JAZZ! Shoe Haus, and the bookstore with the windows you can’t see through.

He has been “personally training” Mother for free, and they have appeared to fall into love with each other. At least that’s what Barry yells while they have sex all the time, no matter if Michel wants to watch Mr. Belvedere videos or not.

He must be a good personal trainer because he weighs over 400 lbs!! He says that “it’s mostly muscle”. He tells Michel that even though he looks fat, that it is a genetic problem that runs in his family, and to “shut the fuck up”.

WOLFTOWN, USA – March 8

2007-03-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

Location: (Behind) Sampson’s Roller-Rama

PURPOSE: To have fun, and talk about wolves with likeminded wolf-buffs!!

Start Tyme: 4:45 PM (SORRY FOR MICHEL'S LATE!) 

Roll Call 
In attendance: Michel Johansen, Autumn, Sanji, Guy named Alan, Brad Dongell, Kirk Jansen, Randy Poffo, Jeremy Mullis

Absent: Ricky Jones (excused for inability leave jail freely) 

Leadership Team: 
Michel Johansen – president/activities coordinator/sign-painter/PR 
Brad Dongell (filling in for Ricky since he is in the jail) - accountant/snack coordinator/authenticity consultant 

Welcoming Howl to members! (and visiting elementary school class from Johnson Middle School)

Ceremonial urine bath of new members KIRK JANSEN, RANDY POFFO, AND JEREMY MULLIS!!! (and visiting elementary school class from Johnson Middle School)

Freshly urine-soaked Olde Timey wigs passed out to the new members (and visiting elementary school class from Johnson Middle School)

MEETING THEME:

Teach children your favorite Wolf Craft!!

SANJI – showed the children how to make his hand look like a wolfs hand by taping coffee stirrers to his fingers, and spraying something called “Good Looking Hair” onto his hands. The children were delighted by the spray hair.

AUTUMN – showed us all how to make a “wolf headband” out of a rubber band. It was made of a rubber band that she said “looked VERY similar to a wolf’s tendon”? Demonstration did not last long because she just put it on her head, and howled, and laughed uncomfortably, then cried. So did the children.

RICKY – absent (jail)

MICHEL – taught the kids how to wipe tears from their eyes with wolf themed napkins. Children were delighted to learn that with just a couple of red and black colored markers, 20 burlap napkins, crushed Ritz crackers, and a small amount of motor oil, that they can also make their very own “Wolf-kins”.

ALAN – showed the kids how to tie-die tank tops and headbands with ACTUAL wolf blood. THE KIDS LOVED ALAN, once the “fresh blood” smell went away.

BRAD – used his “Craft Tyme” to question WolfTown, USA’s need to have “so many” “actual” wolf fluids at meetings. Key Points: “it stinks”, “it’s hard to kill wolves without a gun”, and “can you guys get me a gun? cause I can’t go within 100 feet of a gun store ever since this thing I did”.

KIRK – just kind of pointed at the children menacingly with what he calls his “bad finger” and told him that he was gonna “burn them good, like the others” if they don’t stop staring at his peg leg. Was REALLY proud of his full body wolf suit (and how well it covered his peg leg). Children learned NOTHING about crafts. Several learned about urinating in their short pants.

RANDY – does not speak English, so we had no idea what he was saying. But, it looked like he was trying to spit as far as he could.

JEREMY – using charcoal, newsprint, and his a personal collection of earwax “dating back to ‘82”, drew a VERY REALISTIC version of a scar he received while he and a friend went “drunk hunting” for wolves back in grade school.

SNACK TYME! (Nice job Brad!)

Snacks served (on wolf themed napkins):

-Salmon Flavored Air Cakes
-Mongolian Black Beef FreezRs
-Mocha Cola
-Tasty Dozens Pig Flakes
-Choco Dawgs! (Michel’s new favorite snack!)

DISCUSSION TYME:

KIRK: Led a discussion of how “necessary” the urine bath is for new members.

WOLFTOWN USA CONCLUSION: VERY IMPORTANT

AUTUMN: Discussed how she was going to not come to meetings any more, and asked to be taken off the email list for WolfTown, USA. She also admitted that her “craft” was not really a craft and that she only said she liked wolves to get closer to Sanji because she loved him and he loves wolves because he’s Indian.

WOLFTOWN USA CONCLUSION: Autumn is a racist, and is no longer allowed at meetings, (AND MUST give her olde timey wig back IMMEDIATELY)

Ending Howl (officially banishing Autumn from WolfTown, USA)

END TYME: 5:53

OMG! MJGS!

2006-12-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends! I have just made an account on a thing called Skype! it seems to be real technological! I AM RIDING THE WAVE!

COME RIDE THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE WITH ME! and please communicate with me on the computer!!

DO NOT TELL MOTHER, (but, my name with skype is "collage4ever")

A collage for Wolf(town, USA) lovers!!

2006-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

Michel is sorry for the meeting cancelling last week, but DO NOT WORRY. the next meeting will be right after the newest year starts! I am giving everyone a COLLAGE! to tide you for christmas!

I was inspired by my love of wolves, and a novelty sponge of Mother's . . . THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE A USA FLAG!

I used two handfuls of hair that i thought looked close enough to REAL WOLF HAIRS but aren't. I STOLE! from a hair collection bag that Willy's father keeps in the garage. It was a risky, but as an artist, i felt like i must do it, for art, and for Wolftown, USA.

DON'T WORRY, HE'LL NEVER MISS IT, I HAVE VERY SMALL HANDS! and IT WAS WORTH IT! (except for the lice.)

so, ENJOY! (see you at the NEXT meeting!)

The Tyme has come!

2006-11-28T13:18:00.000-08:00

I have decided to get rid of my wolf Teet tank top. I'm sorry, but it just smells too bad at this point now. MOTHER! has refused to scrape the crusted milk off the teets FOR THE LAST TYME. It is not good to argue with Mother.

She has started a home base internet business now that is taking up TOO MUCH of her tyme. It is called Home Base. She is selling something called FreeBase Cocaine to the children at the local high school. She's a BIG FAN of baseball. that's why she named it home base. She says it's something called a "pun", and is "essential for retail success".

Anyway, i've got to go burn my shirt!

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU GUYS AT THE NEXT WOLFTOWN USA MTG!!

WOLF!

WOLFTOWN, USA (2nd MTG!!) – Oct 18

2006-10-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Location: Ricky Jones Garage Apartment

PURPOSE: To have fun, and talk wolves with likeminded wolf-buffs!!

Start Tyme: 6:37 PM

Roll Call
In attendance: Michel Johansen, Ricky Jones, Autumn, Sanji, Guy named Alan, Brad Dongell (new member!)

Leadership Team:
Michel Johansen – president/activites coordinator/sign painter/PR
Ricky Jones - accountant/snack coordinator/authenticity consultant

Welcoming Howl to members.

Ceremonial urine bath of NEW MEMBER BRAD DONGELL!! (welcome Brad!)

MEETING THEME: Dress like your favorite Wolf.

Introduction of everyone’s favorite wolf

SANJI – Favorite wolf was a wolf named Ben. He is a strong father figure type wolf he says. “that’s why I’m wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe, and have a security badge”

AUTUMN – Favorite wolf was named Autumn. Looked exactly like autumn, except had whiskers drawn onto face with sharpie, and was still shy.

RICKY – Favorite wolf was named Whoosh. Had short hair in the form of a light brown carpet over his entire body. WHICH WAS SO REAL, except for the tag. Wore Nike.

MICHEL – Favorite wolf was named Carol. Wore a Christmas sweater, walked with a homemade looking walking stick, and wore horn rimmed glasses. Yelled to everyone that “there books were overdue!” and “stop running!”

Guy named ALAN – Favorite wolf Jackum. Wore all black, except for striped athletic socks, and Greatest American Hero headband. Cheeks pierced with a femur of a small animal. Most likely from roadkill.

BRAD – wasn’t aware of this weeks theme. excused.

SNACK TYME!

Snacks served:
-Hot STIX
-BIG 60 Nilla wafers
-Boysenberry Blastoff Juice Toobs
-WWE Strangleberry Smackjobs

MOTIONS:

Motion made by Guy named Alan to discontinue the Old Timey wigs for future meetings due to the smell of urine.

Michel Johansen vetoed motion AGAIN.

Further discussion of whether Michel Johansen has that authority

Johansen pokes Guy named Alan with walking stick, and attempts to smother him with Christmas Sweater.

Ricky’s mother Iredell enters with baseball bat.

End Tyme: 7:15 PM

WolfTown,USA (FIRST MTG!!) – Sunday July 30.

2006-07-30T16:42:00.001-07:00

LOCATION: Cafe at Borders Books

PURPOSE: To have fun, and talk wolves with likeminded wolf-buffs!!

START TYME: 3:31 PM

ROLL CALL
In attendance: Michel Johansen, Ricky Jones, Autumn (Border’s associate), Sanji (Border’s associate), Guy named Alan

LEADERSHIP TEAM:
Michel Johansen – president/activites coordinator/sign painter
Ricky Jones - accountant/snack coordinator/authenticity consultant

Welcoming Howl to members.

Old Tymey wigs and authentic Wolf Teet tanks passed out to all members.

BRAINSTORMING session: Future meeting themes
Accepted ideas
-Dress like your favorite wolf
-Douse yourself in (wolf) urine
-Wolf Crafts 101
-On-all-Fours Day

Rejected ideas:
-The Pain of Rickets
-Kids these days
-Underwear on the outside day
-Racism Day
-Famous Train Journeys
-Masturbatory Seizures
-Making easy money in Real Estate
-Christian puppeteering
-Dancing with the Stars viewing party
-Riverdance your way to a new body
-Old Timey Bankers
-The Genius of Frank Stallone

SNACK TYME!
Snacks served:
-Kippered Beef
-SNAX brand potato chips – (flavors: plain, arctic cheddar blast, mayonaise)
-Capri Sun - (flavors: Tropical Mouth Explosion, Boo-Yah Grape Blastoff, Mt. Kilaman Orange-O)
-Jalapeno poppers

Motion made by Guy named Alan to discontinue the Old Timey wigs for future meetings due to the smell of urine. Seconded by both Borders associates.

Michel Johansen vetoes motion.

Discussion of whether Michel Johansen has that authority or not.

Michel Johansen throws wolf urine on Guy named Alan and begins to howl, squirt a milky substance from his wolf teet tank top.

WolfTown,USA escorted out of the café, and out onto street rather forcefully.

END TYME: 3:45 PM

Adorable Puppies!

2006-07-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Michel has a NEW BEST FRIEND! (sorry Willy! I still count you as normal friend!) His name is Ricky, and he LOVES WOLVES (like Michel!), and trains (not like Michel).

And, HE’S REAL HONEST PERSON!. (A quality that michel needs to work on. Michel usually just says yes to whatever is asked of him! Like last night when Mother told me to “stop crying”, “turn off Lilo and Stich” and “rub some salve on Momma’s inner thighs!”.)

It’s just that he’s always talking about his problems. Like when he talks about how kids today dress like whores, or how he hates white people, or how painful his Rickets are. It’s a bit much at times for Michel.

But he is a hard working American person, AND NICE TO ME! Plus he has agreed to be the “accountant/snack coordinator/authenticity consultant” of WOLFTOWN USA! (btw, first meeting is next week at my house for ANYONE interested!, in wolves)

He REALLY reminds me of this guy back in Finland, named Bjorn Hufflguerten. He was this real mean kid, but for some reason, all the girls still liked him, even though he would force them to eat 2 handfuls of clay if they wanted to be his #1 girlfriend.

Ricky doesn’t really look or act like him, but he just reminds me of Bjorn because they both have the same opinion on how adorable puppies are.

Who just ordered a new WOLF SHIRT?

2006-06-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

MICHEL DID!! I just ordered it from wolfdepot.com. It’s this great “one stop shop” where people who are “really into wolves” can buy T-shirts, cozies and wolf urine.

I am so excited about my shirt. IT IS COMING IN 3-7 DAYS!

Since Alice has “requested” that I “stop with the memory collages”. I no longer have to hide my love for wolves! So, I have decided to start a club! For likeminded wolf “buffs”. I feel like I really need an outlet and get back to what I love doing, like dressing from head to toe in wolf gear, expressing myself through collage, and howling.

So, I plan to call this club WOLFTOWN USA, and conduct it like an authentic town hall meeting!! Complete with a baliff and old timey wigs!!

I am so excited!

Naughty bird!

2006-06-13T08:25:00.002-07:00

I have been trying to talking to Alice and Willy since our return from Africa, but Alice is not returning Michel's calls!

I have feeling it is because her fathers have been taking her to this placed they call “church”. And Willy, he is SO FOCUSED on his new band “SEXCELLENCE” that he has no time to even play ONE LITTLE GAME OF TETHERBALL!

So, I go to the movies.

Got to see the LATEST Carnie Movie . . . CARNIE SMALL BUSINESS! It was playing at Sampson's RollerRama Etc.! Me and this kid Ricky from my train club went after our meeting.

THIS MOVIE WAS TOTALLY AMAZING AS IS TO BE EXPECTED!

In this one the Carnie family get sick and tired of the circus, (and of course, MR ZIDDLE!) and move to Topeka Kansas to start a petstore call NAUGHTY BIRD.

There is this GREAT part where Poppa Carnie traps two birds at the park with a pair of his son's soiled underpants he had handy in the Isuzu.

THEN IT GETS CRAZY, he puts the birdies in the pantry of their apartment and plays Celtic music on a loop through the door to get them to make bird babies. The best part is when Pappa Carnie opens the pantry after a week and a half. Once he does, he finds that THE BIRDS HAVE DIED from the music, his wife has also left him, and his business parter sold his 51% stake in Naughty Bird to MR. ZIDDLE!!!

WHEN WILL THEY MAKE THIS INTO A SITCOM!

Michel is missing you!

2006-03-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

MICHEL IS BACK! I am SO sorry for not writing in such long tyme! I have missed all four of you!!

Mother and Michel have been in an african country called Kenya, and they don't have many internet cafe's over there, especially where we were. I DID find keyboard in a barn, but it wasn't attached to a computer, and was made out of manure!

It started when Mother met a man named Kip Winger. He used to play in a band who's most popular song was "Seventeen" many years ago. Kip told me it's a song that helps people know why it's OK to have sex with young girls since girls are actually alot more mature at younger ages than men are.

Mother met him at the Tattler Too back in December. Apparently he knows EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT HAND AXES!, and this knowledge REALLY impressed Mother.

CAN YOU BLAME HER!

Anyway, one thing led to another, and Mother felt it would be a good idea for us to travel with kip on a "diamond run" to africa. He promised we would be fed well, and since mother was down to a half a box of Cheez It's, and one airplane bottle of Traveler's Club. She said we'd go. Plus, she said she was "drunker than shit".

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK IN AMERICA. It's nice to not have to sleep in the same barn as Kip Winger any more. It's also great not to have to hide diamonds in donkey's bottom's any more too.

I have missed Willy and Alice SO MUCH! I didn't have a chance to tell them i was leaving since we left in the middle of the night. I will visit them tomorrow! I have BIG plans!

Thanks for the Ink Stinkers!

2005-10-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, Alice has FINALLY gotten back from her retreat in Argentina! Yeah, I know, Michel has been VERY LONELY. But fortunately Mother has been having a depression the past weeks, so Michel has been available to give her sponge baths, get the recycling in order, and "keep the highballs coming".

I AM SO GLAD TO SEE ALICE, especially because . . . she brought me some INK STINKERS!

INK STINKERS are tasty octopus shaped Latin gummies, flavored like delicious black licorice, and filled with some sort of FLUID! The fluid tastes kind of like a mix of chalk and canola oil, if it's not one of the rancid ones.

I know . . . DELICIOUS!!!

Ink Stinkers really are the greatest ethnic candy i have ever eaten if you don't count the Candied Gopher Ears that Willy's bass player Pham brought back from Cambodia once.

Most people think wolves are cool

2005-09-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i ALMOST got to meet Alice's two fathers!

I WAS SO EXCITED! that i put on what I call my "Wolf" ensemble, which consists of this headband that says "ah-ooooh!" and is made from real wolf hide, a pair of black jogging pants with hand-painted wolves, and a shirt with anatomically correct plastic wolf teets on the front.

WELL, when I showed up at the condo, AND before i could even unlace my wolf-hide rollerskates, Alice came out to meet me on the street.

Well, she told me that i had to go home right then, and change. I WAS SO CONFUSED!!

One minute i'm coming to meet her parents Gabe and Juan, and the next minute i'm feeling like Alice and her fathers might not appreciate wolves as much as me!!? I thought everyone loved wolves! Do you guys not like wolves?

Whatever the case, it was very hurtful! So i chose not to return to meet her fathers after all. I just went home and played my "Sounds of the African Prairie Desert Wolf" tape.

I thought it might clear my head, and give me some perspective.

Sadly, it didn't, but the wolves SOUNDED AWESOME! on Mother's tape recorder, especially this one wolf i named "Danny Glover".

Carnie Family Reunion = 6 Stars!!!

2005-08-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

WOW! just finished watching another spectacular Carnie movie! . . . CARNIE FAMILY REUNION!

I won't go into the whole thing, but there was this great part where Momma Carnie is making fun of "The Strongest Man in the Universe" at dinner by wearing her daughter's leotard, holding her breath and crushing saltines in-between her knees. IT'S HILARIOUS until she pulls her groin muscle and puts a real damper on the rest of their vacation, cause cooking was painful and they hadn't even started making the scalloped potatoes and frito pie they were signed up to bring to the reunion!

THIS MOVIE WAS AMAZING, and SO EMOTIONALLY POWERFUL.

SO much better than CARNIE INCEST (do not see this movie ever.)

There was this other great part where once the family gets to the picnic shelter for the reunion, the Carnie son wants to go play a game called "Farmer Cornhole" with his cousin, but his dad said it was almost time for the awards, and Poppa Carnie was up for the "Traveled the Furtherest" plaque. And, well, the son told Poppa he didn't care, which brought up a lot of emotions for the father since he was abandoned at ten and raised by six species of animals over what is believed to be a seven year period.

Plus, Poppa Carnie was worried it was the kind of game played without pants.

introducing . . . FUEGO RON!

2005-08-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

WOW! Alice and I just got back from a rousing performance from a band called TESLA! Apparently they used to “rock” but now they just play a show at Sampson’s Roller-Rama on Tuesdays.

This was the first time that Alice and I went to a rocking and rolling show, so I wanted to make sure that Alice was not embarrassed by me!

Ever since last week, when I wore my Lilo and Stitch Jogger to CreamTown, she’s been writing me letters suggesting that, if I don’t stop wearing cartoon character based clothing, that she will “never speak to me again in public.”

Once i read that letter, I told myself, TUESDAY IS THE PERFECT TYME to wear my favorite cologne . . . FUEGO RON!

THIS COLOGNE IS MAGIC TO WOMEN! The box says it’s made of something called "essence of mammoth", SAE30 motor oil, and microfibers from an 83 LeBaron!

I don’t know if it was the “HULA PATROL” tank I was wearing or the FUEGO RON, but I felt like Alice was generally, VERY IMPRESSED!

She really makes me a better person through her suggestions. I have so much confidence!

Uncle danny, and the demon fish

2005-08-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

I must say friends, ALICE AND I ARE AS HAPPY as these two homeless men we saw outside the Eastside Jaycees Pool and Arcade laughing, and joking, and washing their underwear in the public drinking fountain!

I LOVE TO SWIM! Back in Finland, I swam so much that Mother told me I was “banned” from The River Gulad until I was 36!, (the legal age where a parent can divorce their child)

The Muse

It turns out that Alice is not so excited by the swimming. She is adventurous in her art performances, but when it comes to Swim Tyme!, she makes precautions. The goggles protect her eyes from being "gouged out and eaten", she says.

She has a little bit of a fear of FISHIES! due to some joke her uncle played on her when she was young. Her Uncle Danny thought it’d be funny to drop a gold fish into her bath, and tell her he didn’t know if it was a “harmless goldfish”, or a “flesh-eating demon fish”, and then left to make a phone call.

I think that really affected her.

WIN A SCOTTISH LOIN RUBBING!!

2005-07-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got off the phone with Willy. Things are not good! He was pretty upsetted about the break up of his band “Invisible Grampa”.

Pham, and his heroine problem finally did the band in. They couldn’t even keep it together long enough for their first show at The ValleyDale Home for Seniors Walker Hockey Semifinals Dance Social.

He was even sadder than the time his father told him that Hulk Hogan was a gay!

I just told him, Willy, “Let’s get out of Frown Town, and go play some TETHERBALL!”

I thought tetherball would have made Willy forget about his troublings. But, well, it didn’t. I beat him 15-1 and he only got the 1 because I let him have one at the end of the game so those awful guys in the local tetherball community wouldn't black ball him from tourneys.

So then, I told him that the STAN HARPLETON HIGHLAND DANCERS were gonna be at the fairgrounds Sunday! and he perked right up.

HE LOVES THOSE GUYS! He especially likes the part in the show where the dancers come out into the audience and challenge audience members to a dance off!, and the prize is you get to take one of the uglier girl dancers to the local Freezie King for dinner and something called a "Scottish Loin Rubbing".

BUT MOST PEOPLE NEVER EVEN WIN THE GIRL! cause the judges are all from Scotland, and they’re pretty hard on the contestants.

Sayonara, Sadness!

2005-07-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well friends, i feel it's a good tyme to update you on Mother. Especially since she seems to be conscious just about all the time now! She has broken her number one "Life Rule". SHE'S BEEN READING! (A BOOK!!) Honestly, her life has made almost a 160 degree turn since a week and a half ago.

"Sayonara, Sadness!", this book she got from this guy who helped her up off the floor at The Tattler when she decided to make out with a cardboard cutout of Dale Earnhardt Jr. that was "asking for it", has REALLY changed her outlook on life.

SHE IS DOING GREAT!, but it hasn't happened as quickly as the book outlines, which has caused Mother, at times, to fall back into her, "Self-Worth Skid", which usually translates to her breaking out the clown suit, cooking up a batch of methamphetamine, and–on tuesday at least–she had problems calling me anything other than Chinkface.

Other than the occasional renaming of her offspring, she's really been happy. IT'S LIKE I HAVE MY OLD MOTHER BACK!!

On her "good days" she WON'T STOP TALKING! about the book.

Mother's favorite part of the book is where the writer, while outlining "8 Steps to Flushing Mr. Stinky" goes on a tangent, and says something about how his mother was pretty controlling, and wouldn't let him have any friends, especially after she caught him masturbating to pictures of elderly women in a medical supply catalog, "wearing hose".

He brings it all back to something about internalizing things, and something about anger coming out in odd, and even "borderline felony" ways. Then he said something about murdering his family. I forget the rest, but SHE LOVES THIS PART!

I really hope for best for Mother. She is learning many "Soul Lessons".

It's just hard for Mother to "change", especially when in order for that to happen she has to "get up", and "put a shirt on".

It's all she can do not to flush Mr. Self Help book, and turn Montel back on.

CrazyMcStickWacker

2005-06-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's up with Willy? After a couple of weeks of calls, I finally reached him last night. He said he was watching some intense women's softball game on the telly, and that's why he couldn't play Crazy McStickWacker with me in Mr. Johnson's woods.

He said, "I really want to, NO REALLY (he got kind of breathy with this part), i'd like nothing more than to run through the woods NAKED with you". Then i said, "i never said anything about naked, Willy". Then he said "OH, THE GAME'S BACK ON!" and then his television made a zipper sound.

BUT WHO CARES! I don't need "friends"! I have Alice now! We don't need anything but art, and performance, and bags of turpentine soaked shredded documents, and the pale white surface of her bottom for writing messages in various condiments about injustices.

Mother i think is getting worried about how much tyme i have been spending with Alice. Just yesterday She tells me, "Stop hanging out with that hippy whore, and get your mother a high-ball." I don't get why she is not happy for Michel. But you know what I do when mother makes me feel like less?

I get myself two Butter Pops from the freezer, pop in the second season of Perfect Strangers (ON BETA!), and hug myself.

Bronson Pinchot warms me right up.

Damn disturbingly lifelike utters!

2005-05-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry people!! it's been so long since you have been updated on my life!

Well, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WONDERING! AND YES! THE ANSWER IS YES!! Alice and I have been officially BF and GF for 2 WEEKS NOW!

SORRY LADIES!! MICHEL IS TOOKEN!

It is going very well. We have so much fun due to our common interests!! We both LOVE world music, love Carnie movies, and we both express ourselves through our art.

Like last tuesday, as Mother was driving to The Tattler Too, she dropped us off at Al's Burger Barn for some performance art! Here's how it went.

We show up during the lunch rush. Al's is very popular, THEY HAVE AMAZING EVERYTHING BURGERS! So alice starts taking off her clothes, and once she's completely naked, she opens a bag of shredded documents soaked in mineral spirits. I already had my "Cow with Disturbingly Lifelike Utters" costume on under my Lilo and Stitch Jogging Suit.

So i strip down, and after i ring my cowbell to get the attention of the patrons, I spell "FILL YOUR BUNS WITH TOFU!" in ketchup on Alice's bare bottom, as she lights her bag of shredded documents.

Meanwhile, i have started shooting all the loyal customers in the face with the milk i filled my Supersoaker with.

IT WAS AMAZING. I think most of the patrons appreciated our expression. Except this one guy named Al. As i was running away from him, my utters got caught on the Ketchup Kaddy, and well, i've had trouble peeing since then.

Latte Scars = SEXY!

2005-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

It is FINALLY SUMMER TYME! This is my favorite season. I finally have a reason to wear my "summer pants" as Mother likes to call them. I just call them "Lime-Green Skin Pants".

I'd like to say that i hope everyone likes them, but honestly, i just care about Alice these days. Alice Adamson. SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN SCHOOL.

She is just my type of girl! She wears glasses, is so pale that most kids call her "the albino", and LOVES to make art! While i am mostly into Collage, and "crafty" arts, she is more of a performance artist. She works mostly with her nude body, rubber bands, and shredded documents she finds in the dumpster behind school.

I saw her perform a piece last month at the Javaaaaahh Coffee Den and Copy Shop, and all three people in the audience, (minus the barista, she wouldn't know what art was if it tapped her on the shoulder and said, "hey, stop with the espresso, and look at that art!") were completely BLOWN AWAY!

The rubber bands she arranged on her bottom to spell "HONKEYNIGGER" was INCREDIBLE, even if some said it was "just plain confusing". (The barista!)

Whatever the barista THINKS! , if Alice had never spilled her latte, her performance Would have been flawless! As it was, she will definately have some scarring.

I CAN NOT WAIT to see if she notices the Skin Pants tomorrow. Maybe i'll spell out "HONKEYNIGGER" in some puffy paint on the back to make sure?

Thank you god, for Jill Sobule!!

2005-03-30T11:47:00.001-08:00

Just got back from The Bargain Bizarre. I went with mother for what she said was an interview!

Well, it ended up being more like an unneccessarily hostile conversation with a homeless man named Lord Banford outside the store about why "midnight dragon" was NOT a better beverage than "rubbing alcohol" for the buck. Long story short, Mother "won".

While we were there i picked up the new JILL SOBULE ALBUM! All i can say is . . . WOW!

That man is one of the best performers, and songwriters i have ever heard!, and his new album leaves nothing to be desired. The way he throws his voice to sound EXACTLY like a woman is, well, INCREDIBLE. As soon as I finished some initial choreography and memorizing the lyrics, i went straight over to Willy's to "talk music", now that he's in the industry.

Willy said he has "never even heard of him". I think he's too wrapped up in "grampa". (that's what i'm calling his band (Invisible Grampa) "for short" now. PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM!)

They are doing well! They booked their first show at the ValleyDale Home for Seniors Walker Hockey championships this winter. It's about eight months out, but that gives them plenty of time to tighten up some songs, and get their bassist Pham off heroine.

Mrs Janewitz is a bitch

2005-03-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

This morning, i decided to dress up for my speech on Leif Erikson (AS A PIRATE!) You know, the patch, the stuffed bird, I even fashioned a "peg leg" from a table leg I borrowed from Mother's Mixin's Table she keeps at her bedside. DON'T WORRY!! I put her marijuana tube in it's place!!

The costume WAS AWESOME! So after i finished drawing in my beard with a Sharpie and spray painting Ritz crackers so they looked like gold dubloons, I was off to "WOW" the class!

So, when i get to class, does Mrs. Janewitz thank me for showing up "in character" for my speech? Does she APPRECIATE the blood, sweat, permanent inks, gold spray paint, table legs and tears I put into my presentation? Does she applaud the AUTHENTICITY of my pirate interpretation ?

DOES SHE EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MY CREATIVITY AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE!!!?

OF COURSE NOT!!! Because as it turns out the speech is tomorrow.

I could have gone home to change, but the costume just felt so "right". This is the major reason i got beat up so much today. That and the sign that Larry put on my peg leg that said "butt pirate".

"Right Nipple Sensitivity"

2005-03-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

Now that mother has decided that Sam was apparently just another in a long line of guys who think they're God, she has decided to "make up for lost bottle tyme", which would explain her dissappearance.

It WOULD be nice if she checked in every couple of weeks though. I would love it if Mother brought home some Freezie Pops, or a sack of oranges. I'd also like a good multivitamin if you're reading this . . . Mother?

To pass the time, I've mostly been hanging out with Willy at his place. He has just started A BAND!! It's SO EXCITING TO "ROCK". "The mates" let me hang around while they practice!, as long as I promise to never call them " the mates", not to "dance", and not to "request any Lionel richie, OR CHICAGO!!" anymore. DONE!

Their band is called "Invisible Grampa". I don't really like the name. I would have called them, "Right Nipple Sensitivity", or "Pubies in my Rice", or something EDGY like that, but the name works for them, mostly because they dress like senior citizens, and they have this one guy, Pham, who points angrily at the imaginary crowd with a cane or walker.

It doesn't hurt that they know some Tesh.

A week of "Earth Service"

2005-02-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have been gone so long friends, but i have been FAR away from the computers. Mother decided we needed some time away from daily life, for some spiritual washing. I know what you guys are thinking! . . . AWESOME!

She just met this guy named Sam at The Tattler Too during Bourbon week, who started a religious movement based on a divine revelation that came to him while listening to a band named Kansas.

Now one thing I’ll say, now that I have listened to Kansas 305 times, is that THEY ARE THE BEST BAND ON EARTH! How did these guys ever become unpopular?

So we went to Sam's compound in the mountains for what Sam called “Earth Service”. They needed some help burning science based schoolbooks. We also burned copies of the Da Vinci code, books from a guy named Dr. Phil (there were a lot of those!), and a lot of autobiographies of actors and democrats!

Sam was VERY happy. So happy that he allowed Mother to be “taken” by him in the communal drinking fountain.

I have learned a lot about mother on this trip. Unfortunately, most of the stuff has made it hard for me to make eye contact with her.

I am sharing my love . . .

2005-01-30T18:47:00.000-08:00

Michel's First Annual TOP FIVE MOVIES EVER, AND FAVORITE QUOTE ASSOCIATED WITH THAT MOVIE TOO List.

1 - CARNIE CHRISTMAS
"Hope you like it. I stole it from Mr. Ziddle! That FAT . . . OH, Hey Mr Ziddle, how long have you been standing there?"

2 - CARNIE HALLOWEEN
"So, why did Mr. Ziddle have the candy in his pants? . . . Oh."

3 - CARNIE PRESIDENTS DAY
"So, why did Mr. Ziddle have pewter figurines of presidents in his pants? . . . Oh"

4 - CSB '89
"I had a GREAT time too! . . . I might have gonorhea! Bye!"

5 - TURNER AND HOOCH
"HOOCH! You CRAZY dog!"

What are you TOP FIVE MOVIES EVER AND FAVORITE QUOTES ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE MOVIES TOO list?

Delightful night at the Theatre!!

2005-01-28T07:24:00.000-08:00

Saw a great play last night at the community college! I talked Mother into dropping me off on her way to The Tattler Too's "Free Highballs if you're Topless night".

The play was put on by a traveling group of Mormons from Nebraska called "The Latter Day Actors!". They put on a surprisingly wonderful original piece!!

The play was called "The Ugly Friend". It was SO WELL WRITTEN, even though they are mormon. It's about this mormon guy who's not really that ugly, but compared to his square jawed mormon friend, he is!

It's about his struggle to feel better looking and how he goes about screwing up his friends face in little ways, to make him "a little uglier".

There's this great part where Ugly Sam, the main character, tries to put a harmful form of dioxin in Handsome Steve's juice one day when they're eating some breakfast at Joseph's Diner. It doesn't sound funny, but the way he does it, (he tells him "ITS A NEW SWEETENER!) . . . IS CLASSIC!

Bravo!

Sorry, about the hearing thing.

2005-01-26T07:12:00.001-08:00

Just got back from a rousing game of Pine Straw Bigfoot! that game where each of you rub honey all over your body , roll yourself in pine straw, and sneak up on the day campers at Camp Yanaleka. We had to cut our game short because some of the counselors caught on and set a trap for us, and well, Balz lost 45% of his hearing when this counselor named Janice boxed his ears.

It was probably good that we quit when we did. I don’t know if you guys have played this before or not, but after about thirty minutes the honey hardens and starts to limit your movement, plus bugs start collecting around your bendy parts.

We finished up our day with a trip to Gasoline Town for a round of Beefie Dogs, a Tub ‘O’ Drink, and the latest Esquire.

CLOONEY! GOTTA LOVE HIM!

Sorry I had to scan you James!

2005-01-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

RIP James

Well friends, I've completed what I feel is the MOST MEANINGFUL COLLAGE I HAVE EVER CREATED!

In the words of this guy Ronald at school, (he's a B-boy), "THAT SHIT IS TIGHT!"

I hope everyone enjoys my art. I am humping the world right now. I am at a loss for words.

My scanner smells like roadkill right now, so I better stop writing and get the windex before Mother gets home.

Movie Nyte 2: Willy's place

2005-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

So, I talked Willy into having Movie Nyte! at his house this month since mother had a small rubbing alcohol binge last night, and kind of thought the front window was not actually a window, but a portal to a place called "The Liquor Store". Long story short, her "portal" ended up taking out an eye, and I just felt the noise from the area rug and duct tape I had to use to cover the window would be distracting during important moments in the movie. So, Willy's place it was!

So, I talked "the crew" into watching a NEW RELEASE! It was Carnie Spring Break '89! We like to call it "CSB 89" because of all the words.

CSB 89 has a little more hardcore sex than the rest of the series. (Well, except Carnie Incest, WHICH IS NOT A MOVIE I WOULD RECOMMEND.)

The best part in CSB 89 is when the youngest Carnie, Jane, sneaks away from the carnival in Rio Rico, and goes on SPRING BREAK with her friends "Fork-Tongued Girl", and "Girl with odd shaped ears". Once they get to Lake Havasu they have, if they're being honest, "a pretty mediocre time".

BUT, once they get back, they remember their trip as "the most fun they've EVER had" as they're being caned by the elders because they all got gonorrhea from some guy down there.

You guys gotta see this movie. I would love to discuss! LOL!

Mother, you make me proud!

2005-01-12T18:34:00.000-08:00

Mother is working again! She just got a job from a neighbor having sex with him a couple of times a week!

The job seems great! She's SO happy, all she has to do is dress up like a bush, and sneak over to his house on tuesdays and thursdays. She seems to be making money, cause the fridge now has actual food inside, instead of just liquor and "courtesy mints" from The Tattler Too.

I've got to say, it's nice to know mother is back in the work force now. It's done alot for her self-confidence, and now that I don't have to worry about her as much, I can get back to my James von Douche commemorative collage. I've started bleaching his bones in preparation. I just need to find the bird mid-drift I was knitting for him, and I will get starting.

I can't wait to show everyone! I am little shy about showing my work! But I know in order to "grow as an artist", and "sell my work for thousands of dollars" while eating cheese, drinking wine, and "having SEX with pornography actresses", I MUST face my fears.

Steps to a new Michel!

2005-01-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

I have decided to break my own rule and have a new year resolution or five. Please support me! I will need help from all my friends to make these key changes in my life. Happy new year tyme!

1) I will no longer use old underwear in a collage.

2) I will honor my dead canary, James von Douche, by creating a collage detailing his short life.

3) I will no longer masturbate to the female part of the Land's End catalog.

4) I will ask mother to keep her shirt on when friends come over no matter how warm or intoxicated she may be.

5) I will not hug birds so hard.

Party outside of our pants!

2005-01-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a great new years friends. Michel had a wonderful one!

This year, I celebrated with Willy and Balz! We went to a PARTY! and it was jumping! When we entered the main room, the music stopped with a scratch of a record player and the party went completely silent. It was like they were welcoming us. It felt great.

A football player was the first to greet us. He asked us "What are you doing here? And why are you wearing underwear on the outside of your jeans?"

I said "We're here to Party, Fool! And the underwear?, well, we thought it might be funny. It's my MOTHER'S!"

Looking back, I should not have said this, especially out loud, and probably not to a football player who, rumor has it, broke his mothers kneecaps for turning off "Thundercats" when he was three. The football player, let's call him #79, "punched me in the face". It was quite painful so my brain decided to be knocked unconscious for some hours.

Once I woke up. I had a feeling that THIS WAS THE BEST NEW YEARS EVER! The fact that I was lying in a ditch spooning a dead cocker spaniel did nothing to get me off the HappyTrain. I even had a "happy cry", until the tears started making my nose sting.

James Von Douche, 2004-2004

2004-12-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

Well, just when i thought the gift-getting part of X-mas was over Mother stumbles into my room at four in the morning and gives me with ANOTHER GIFT!

There is no God

She got me a CANARY! Yep, a real live canary!

Boy, was Michel surprised! I decided to name him James Von Douche, after my favorite imaginary friend from when I was 10. James lived in the cookie jar. He was the friend who was good with the ladies, even though he wore dresses and carried a shoulder bag. James also liked to carry around a bloody pick-axe too, which seemed to balance out his wardrobe problems.

James (the canary) and I were having such a fine tyme today! I fed him, we had tea, and hugged all afternoon until i squeezed too hard, and he flew up to heaven. Mother says that he is in a better place. "A place where he won't be hugged so hard."

Mother also said, "You owe me five bucks."

Its X-mas tyme!

2004-12-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

I wish we celebrated christmas like others. It is VERY popular in Finland. But, we celebrate differently there. We mostly get homemade sweets and breads, wrapped in animal skins. Or, if you've been very good for the year, you may get a homemade balsawood train set.

But, ever since we arrived in America, Mother has been sad on the holidays. It may be the rampant alcoholism that has taken hold of her body since arriving, but i don't think so. That would be the easy explanation! I think she has been affected by the american commercialization of the holidays, and the pressure to use "alcohol money" to purchase things for people and win their love. But I will say, she ALWAYS makes a point to make Michel feel like a real american boy.

This year, for christmas, we didn't have a "textbook" tree as much as we had a lamp with the shade removed, and a lightbulb painted an off green color. But she made it work!

I ran down stairs yesterday morning, and tripped over the "Butt Depot" mom stole from Burger King to control the drug smoke! Once I came to, I CAREFULLY walked over to the "tree", and opened a HUGE present! It was not exactly what I had asked for, but it was GREAT! IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS YOU GRUNCHIES!

Mother got me a set of "like new" towels! AND THEY WERE MONOGRAMMED! with the name DEREK. I know, EXOTIC!

It was just perfect! It was everything I could have wanted for christmas, besides the father figure and Xbox I asked for.

race cars aren't that cool to some people

2004-12-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

So there I was, VERY EXCITED about my new underwear! Mother went to our neighbor's garage sale and bought me a pair of briefs WITH FERARRI'S ON THEM! Mother said they gave her "a great deal" because they weren't technically theirs. They found them in their crawl space when, while putting in a new water heater last month, they needed something to "wipe up with". What a happy accident!

I thought they were so cool I made a collage about them!

The collage had three of my old pairs of underwear, half of a can of oil, and the gas cap from Mother's Lebaron. This collage was really SO COOL, that it blew my mind! Which I then made another collage about, and well, long story.

So, I take this collage to school, for show and tell. Even though we don't technically have "show and tell" any more, and apparently haven't had it in five years (where was Michel when that memo went out?), Mr. Danforth let me share the piece in Geometry class.

So, I show it with no explanation . . . AND NO ONE GET'S IT! They just ask things like "Where's the Ferarri?" and "Mr Danforth, will we need to know ANYTHING about this for the test?" Then the asian girl in the front row says, "That looks like you scotched taped three pairs of your dirty underwear onto some wax paper."

So, I just yelled, "Public schools have NO ROOM FOR THE ARTS!!" and kind of spit in the direction of the asian girl in the front row. It didn't hit her though! That's why I'm suspended for a week instead of a month.

But hey, who's got ferrari's on his underpants!!

See you again in 8 to 10

2004-12-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

My Uncle Joe came for a visit last night! He WAS my favorite uncle, until he ended up having to go back to jail for the selling drugs out of a CVS drugstore thing. While he was gone, Uncle Jerome became my favorite uncle, but mainly because he came for visits more, and usually brought me fireworks. Uncle Jerome doesn't come around much any more, because Mother blames him for my not being able to grow hair on the back of my head.

WE HAD A BLAST! Joe took Mother and I out to Pizza-Rama-Junction-Town and Arcade, a local pizza hot spot. We all split a pizza! Mother wasn't that hungry, so she just got two pitchers of beer, "for something to do while you guys eat". She is very aware of not making people self conscious while their eating.

Everything was great until Mother asked Joe if it was true about all the anal raping in prison. Upon hearing these words, Joe kinda stopped talking, and started shaking uncontrollably. It was funny, but in a "I shouldn't laugh at this" kinda way. Luckily he wasn't holding the pitcher of beer! cause that would have been A MESS!

Then Joe told us he was going to "show us what it's like in prison".

So, apparently in prison they take off their shirts, carve schivs out of beer pitchers, and stab people who tell you they are "just picking up some garlic knots". It was VERY enlightening. You know, you always hear the stories.

I gave Uncle Joe my address so he could write me once he got settled back into jail. He has always been such a positive force. I hope he comes back for another visit in 8 to 10 years. It would be good to see how he's doing.

I will drink my weight in cola

2004-12-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

CAN'T WAIT TILL THE FRIDAY! Willy and Balz and I have decided to have a movie night once a month. Finally! something to do on a weekend other than begging mother not to drink.

Since it was my idea, they said I could pick the first movie!! So, I picked the classic, Carnie Christmas! A Johansen tradition! I've seen it 392 times in my fourteen years on this earth (I'm not counting the polio year). I'm sure everyone has their favorite part! I would love to hear ALL yours!! Please? OK.

Mine is where Mr Ziddle does that thing where he pops his knee outta joint on purpose, and then gets his young and unqualified secretary to give him a sponge bath. But, she doesn't really know why he'd need a sponge bath instead of just some help getting off the floor, or help walking, and then Mr. Ziddle says he's not paying her to think.

Willy loves that part where Papa Carnie has a secret meeting with Mr Ziddle outside the mess hall about his desire to unionize the carnival employees. Then Mr Ziddle hires a guy to "make papa carnie's legs get broken".

Balz can't stop talking about the part where the Carnie daughter tries to get artistic with the Christmas tree the carnival employees keep on premises. Especiallly at the end, when the tree burns down because of all the gasoline, and there seems to be a couple of small children missing, about which Mr Ziddle is sad, but secretly happy, because there was some debate as to whether they were his kids or not.

collage can be frustrating

2004-12-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

Do you ever just feel like tearing up every collage you've ever created!

I feel like doing that today! Nothing is going right! I am in the process of updating a collage I created in primary school. The assignment THEN was to make a collage that told class about things that you loved.

I made the collage with some of my neighbor's dog's hair, the fibia of my old cat (IT WAS DEAD ALREADY!), and pictures of some guy in track shorts playing the french horn, that my old friend Soorgi and I found in the woods near the golf course.

So, this new FRUSTRATING collage is essentially a "Collage of things I love 2004" but it's just not working for me! I want to replace the "cat fibia" portion from the old one, and add "collage" in it's place to let everyone know how much i love collage. But, it's just too hard to add "collage" to a collage that has already been collage-ed. You know?

It would be like adding some peanut butter to a peanut butter of PEANUT BUTTER!

I am spanking myself!

2004-12-03T06:49:00.000-08:00

(Hello friends i must start with an apology today, i am SO SORRY i have not written in some time. I HOPE THAT WE ARE STILL FRIENDS! It's just that mother went on a small cough syrup binge on thanksgiving, and took my computer away from me for a while. ANYHOO, i'm back!)

>>>>>

Well, ITS THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

The time of year that mother goes around the neighborhood collecting old shoes and clothing from street drains and school dumpsters, shakes them, and gives them to her "connection" at the homeless shelter. In turn, this kind man, (who gives ALL of his time to a good portion of the homeless in the area), then gives mother the trashbags full of the confiscated alcohol he gets from his tennants.

Sure, most bottles aren't full, and are probably a little diseas-ey, but, hey, if you're an alcoholic, trade sex for groceries on a regular basis, AND are supporting a young son on your own, you must make hard decisions.

LOL!!

please mam, close your bathrobe!

2004-11-19T07:41:00.001-08:00

Well, Willy, Balz and I decided to skip school today! We started the morning off with some breakfast at "Welcome to Donutville".

The waitress turned out to be my next door neighbor! She's a wonderful woman. She lives alone, and is always asking me to work on her "plumbing" even though I tell her I am not a licensed plumber and never really intend to become one either. At this point, she always winks at me, gives me an accidental glimpse of her breasts through her tattered and undersized bathrobe, and says, "I know . . . "

Then I tell her, "Well, if you know, then why are you asking me to fix your plumbing?" And then she normally get's upset at me, starts crying, and tells me about a Latin man who left her thirty years ago, how he was the only man whom she ever loved, something something something . . . she's thinking of killing herself.

Anyway, after we each finished our plate of hush puppy donuts, (THE BEST!) We headed straight for school!

Here we were, so excited about skipping school, and having a day that Balz called "Lizard-Tastic!" (he does not throw that word around lightly), that we ended up GOING TO SCHOOL BY MISTAKE!

By the time we had realized our mistake, it was too late! Plus, we were already being stripsearched in the utility closet by the janitor.

the Oscar goes to . . . Mother!

2004-11-17T09:34:00.000-08:00

Well, the ankle has healed quickly. Mother is doing well too, except for she is a LITTLE sad since her arrest.

She and some man named Franky One-Nut, assistant manager over at The Tattler Too, decided to make a feature film tentatively titled "Watch This Lady Have Sex With These German Shepards!", (good luck fitting THAT title on a VHS sleeve!)

Mother informed me that Franky was a filmaker, the best in the Tri-county area, and WAS know for tastefully capturing "real" events, calling them a movie, and trying to sell them at the fairgrounds. Well, apparently, there are "rules" against people having videotaped intercourse with "animals normally kept as pets" in our state, most states actually, which explained why she was telling me this through bars, wearing a jumpsuit, and smelling like dog.

She also informed me of "some extra bullshit charge" they tacked on because the dogs happenned to be wearing vintage baby T's, and what the police were calling, dog "hot pants" in the movie.

The things we do for art . . . I guess it runs in the family!

Disco Spermwhale!

2004-11-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

Just got back from a FANTASTIC! William's Brothers Hard Times Jug Band concerto at Sampson's Roller-Rama! Mother dropped me off at the rink for the "concerto" on her way to dollar night at The Tattler.

I like to call concerts "concertos" because not alot of people say "concerto" and this is one of the things i use to set me apart from the rest of my classmates. Mother says it makes me sound french. Which, she informs me, she hates worse than her oddly shaped nipples.

So I called my "ladyfriend" again, but still no answer. I'm getting worried, we haven't spoken or seen each other since our "four seconds of passion" in the hospital last week. I still have the love collage ready for her though, once she calls.

Still, "the crew" and I had fun, even though I turned my ankle playing "Disco Spermwhale", that game where you jump over the lights coming from the disco ball, and if one of them hits you, you have to skate as fast as you can to the water fountain, fill your mouth with water, spit it into the air, and yell "i'm a disco sperm whale!"

It was really A HOOT, until I turned my ankle of course. Once i turned my ankle it was more like high pitched screaming, a fair amount of crying, and A TINY BIT of urination in my parachute pants. I called out for help from "the crew!", but neither Willy, nor Balz would help because I broke the "no calling us 'the crew' in public" rule. They can get touchy when we're at the rink.

for sale, michel, good price!

2004-11-12T14:45:00.001-08:00

Sorry it has been so long friends, but Michel has had bad week! We had to spend week out of the house. Mother said father was coming sometime this week to pick up his 10-speed, his ELO collector's edition box set, and the rest of his guns. She said that she "needed it to seem like she was fine without him", so we left.

Now, i'm nowhere near as smart as Mother, but i doubt that sleeping in a homemade tent made of our neighbor's discarded refridgerator box, in the woods beside the Walmart Garden Center gives the impression being "fine without him". While the paint job she did on our box WAS inspired, heat would have been preferred, if Michel had choice. How mother went topless this entire week, i'll never know.

Maybe it's the bourbon?

Even more troubling, Mother kept cornering people walking through our living room (she INSISTED on calling the parking lot our living room) that not only was I FOR SALE!, but ON SALE. Plus, Mother suggested I go into the Sam's Club next door for free samples "if i wanted to eat".

It is good to be back home peeing in my own race car bed, luckily dad forgot it.

Please, take this love collage . . .

2004-11-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

In the morning light of my new love affair, I have officially started making a collage to my new girlfriend! Collage is a great way to expression alot about yourself. Mostly because you can use pictures, show many things, and make it in the shape of a brain.

I have to say, this is one of the best ones that I have done. I did make a nice one out of found hair, meuslix, and hoof glue last month, but Mother told me she "had seen better". We'll see.

Unfortunately, the only pictures available to me were from Willy's dad's house. Mother doesn't allow magazines in the house any more ever since she caught me masturbating to her Lands End catalog, THE FEMALE PART!. But i found great material. The magazines at Willy's were about something called the "militia" movement, which sounded perfect! So I made the collage out of pictures of tractors, soldiers fighting in urban warfare, mounted deer heads, and some pictures of cows that had recently been slaughtered.

And just to make sure she knew it was ME, I put a picture of me looking very sensitive as the centerpiece. I took my shirt off and got Willy to take a picture of me wearing my karate pants, and holding a kitten (it had lost most of it's hair from disease, but it was cute, AND NEEDED LOVE!). I feel this collage really got to the essentials of "Michel".

I can't wait to show her!

love (tastes a little metallic)

2004-11-02T07:08:00.000-08:00

beauty incarnate

GUESS WHO JUST GOT A GIRLFRIEND! MICHEL DID!
(And yes, even with my girlish name!)

Yeah, I met her when i was wondering around the hospital yesterday. I was limping around, looking desperately for some fresh fig at Snack Village, when this little lady asked if she could use my gown to wipe the ooze from one of her open wounds. Well, once she got most of the liquid soaked up, we started conversing, and then, outta the blue . . . SHE KISSED ME! FULL TONGUE!

She seemed kinda drugged at the time, but man, it felt like love!
(even though it tasted a little metallic cause of her medicine.)

thanks for the memories, on my stomach

2004-11-01T07:29:00.001-08:00

While i was initiallly excited about the Olde Timey Banker costume, I think it was a bad idea to get the rolls of coins to go along with it. I don't regret going to the lengths i went to, for "authenticity". But, i probably didn't need to get 50 dollars in change. Five dollars in pennies would have been fine, and would have cut down on some of the bruising.

So, I went out Tricking with Willy, and Balz. Mother wasn't able to go with us as i had hoped, she said she needed to go tricking too. She said that downtown has the best tricking. Mother really likes candy i guess, cause i heard it's dangerous there. But, she's her own woman.

Well, we hadn't even made it to the second house before we saw a couple of kids who were dressed as "attackers". Just as I was telling Balz how i thought those two guys running toward us had done a great job on they're costumes, they grabbed my Penny Bag. But, THEY DIDN'T STEAL IT . . . no, they hit me with it. Right in the stomach. And THEN, they stole it.

Once the internal bleeding slowed, my temperature stabilized, and they set my ribs, the doctor said i could go on home. I'll remember this halloween for some time to come. Mostly because of the scars on my stomach.

is that an old tymey banker!!?

2004-10-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

Some people have started visiting, so this entry should clear up some questions. I am very excited you have been visiting. KEEP COMING! PLEASE!! I don't have that many friends.

I am born in Finland. I moved here with mother three years ago. Here is north carolina. I am having some troubles "fitting in" since we have come here. I am, as you have read, a very intelligent, and sensitive young man with many important things to say. I posted my most recent picture so that all the ladies in the world could see what they are dealing with. As you can also see, I am very beautiful.

Today, i'm just trying to figure out my halloween costume!

Mother wants me to be a doll and go down to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of schnapps. But I'm pretty sure that'll get me beaten, unless it was a GI joe doll or something, but who remembers that any more! I would just look like a soldier. Willy says I should just crap my pants, and say I'm a baby. There are logistical problems there Willy, what with all the walking i'd have to do with stuff in my pants. ITS A GREAT IDEA THOUGH WILLY! Balz says that I should be a lizard trapper with him. But, to be honest, the whole killing over three thousand lizards thing is starting to creap me out with Balz.

So, i've decided to be an OLD TYMEY BANKER! you know, with the hat and the neat shirt and all. I think i might go and get some rolls of quarters and pennies to make it more "authentic" It's gonna be a great halloween.

mother, i'm still hungry

2004-10-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Dinner

Mom packed my lunch last night, and for some reason i trusted that she had packed a well balanced lunch for her growing son, even though she was still wearing her clown outfit from last night (the topless one) and holding a Jameson's.

Well, i get to school and open my Lilo and Stitch retro metal lunchbox, (collectors edition bitches!) and what do i find? Yep. a box of Pocky sticks. For lunch.

I was so hungry after eating those tiny chocolate covered sticks, that I ate the carrot Big James jammed in my ear. At least i think it was a carrot. It was orange.

nicknames are normal

2004-10-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Well, now that the arm is in a permanent cast, mother says i can play with willy. So Willy, Balz, and I went to the woods to play last night. Man, it was real fun playing with the "crew" as i like to call them. They aren't so responsive to being called "the crew", so i just keep it to myself, and just whisper it when I feel the urge to say it.

We played all kinds of stuff. We had a jumping competition, which I won, proving that i had jumped six inches LIKE I SAID! Then we went on to play "watch out for willy!" where he finds a stick, and chases us around acting like he will hit us, and then actually does. but he's always SO apologetic, we shake it off. unless, of course he rebrakes an arm or something. After a quick game of Lizard Baseball, we split.

We ended things at PIZZA TOWN for some "pie" as i like to call it. Again, "the crew" (imagine i whispered that) doesn't like this either. They, on the whole, just like to call things what their name actually is. I tell them everything has nicknames. "Like, look at Balzac, WE CALL HIM BALZ FOR CHRIST SAKE!"

Then Balz, said, "you guys call me balz?" Then Willy acted like he had a phone call, even thought he didn't have a phone on him. Me, I just shoved pepperoni's up my nose, and made fart noises with my armpit.

Mmmmmm. hominy? . . . my . . . favorite.

2004-10-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

so, I get to meet mothers "boyfriend" last night. Dinner was wonderful. I can think of nothing better than eating a plate of hominy with some bloke who introduces himself as my new father. He said that he was "trying out" to be my new father during our introductions. And, he didn't laugh. Meaning, i think he was serious. Weird start to the night to say the least.

So, the night went on as planned. Uncomfortable conversation after uncomfortable conversation about his collection of clown paintings. Then, while mom was making a fourth and fifth round of cocktails, (she has started making two rounds at a time to save energy, she says) he decided to REALLY try and be my pal.

He was talking about how much he loved mother, and since his wife's unfortunate accident two weeks ago, he wasn't sure if his "soul mate" even existed until he saw my mother lying there sleeping so soundly in the middle of a parking lot, with her funny little topless clown outfit on. When he said "soul mate" something weird happened. You know how sometimes people will make hand gestures to really puncuate certain parts of a conversation? Well, he decided to puncuate the "soul mate" part of his conversation with a double pelvic thrust.

Man, when someone starts doing pelvic thrusts to puncuate something in a conversation, it REALLY changes that conversation.

tiddly - STINKS!!

2004-10-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

Today Michel is sad. I just lost humdinger of a game of tiddleywinks to Willly. Three hours long. NO BREAKS! Unless you count the five minutes it took to pick up and clothe mother. She kinda got stuck in the shower again. I didn't even realize it was humanly possible to voluntarily get into the position she was in, but there we were. WILLY WAS OF NO HELP. He just kept asking if she needed him to wash her back, or if there were any other "problem areas" she needed help with. She slurred something about how she's been lonely lately, and that SHE HAS NEEDS! And then she called me a pigfucker. Sometimes i wish i didn't look so much like father.

Maybe now is a good time to talk about father, or as mother calls him, the biggest mistake of her life, no wait, THAT'S ME! She calls HIM The God of Darkness. He wasn't such a good man, He would to be gone for months on end. Each time he came back he would say something about how he was "Born to Run", and that "you can't keep a good man down!", and "I will beat you if you don't hand me the rice!" I really love father, that's why i got him a "Born to Run" bandana that christmas, just before he left for good.

stop punching me?

2004-10-21T06:55:00.000-07:00

Mother is doing well this morning. She finally slept off her crazy. This morning i think she feel guilty for yesterday. SHE MADE ME PANCAKES!! i just love pancakes. Can't think of anything better than pancakes. (Carnie Halloween! excluded of course) She doesn't make like normal though. She actually uses cookie dough, and essentially makes the SIZE of pancakes, and then calls them pancakes. I don't say anything about this. She's a little lazy sometimes, I just happened to benefit from it this time. Unlike the time when we went to the fun park, and she was "too tired" to leave the saloon themed pub.

Today, i've got to go to school. Poopers. I really hate school. The learning part is AWESOME!, it's just the daily beatings that are getting a little old. I have been pummelled everyday since I was in third grade. It was fun the first couple of years, cause I really bonded i think with the bullies, but now, it's gotten alot harder. Most of them have gotten girlfriends and have become whipped! Their not into beating me any more, and in turn, we don't really have much in common. That's actually how I met my co-best friend Willy!

He used to be the guy who would spit in my face as the other guys punched me in my privates and box my ears. But, you could tell, he was a good guy deep down. Our friendship started when Willy came over to my house after school. he had lost his favorite ring, and he thought he had left it in my forehead. HE WAS RIGHT! Stuck right there in my forehead was his real gay looking Batman Forever ring. I gave it to him, told him how it was kinda gay to wear rings at this age, and he hit me with a tree branch he happened to have with him. And well, the rest is history.

Just yesterday, after breaking my arm, Willy said "hey, is that bone sticking outta your arm?" . . . and whattya know? . . . IT WAS! Man, it was very funny. Painful, but funny. I think this will be one of those stories I tell later in life. The kind you just laugh and laugh about now that the pain of your childhood has gone away.

had to do it!

2004-10-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Mother has gone back to sleep now. THanks goodness. Trying to get into better spirits, i just pulled out the old VHS of "Carnie Halloween!" Gosh! i love that movie! i'm sure everyone does. That part where the carnie family get upset about their boss Mr Ziddle . . . CLASSIC!

what happened to mother?

2004-10-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

So, what can i say. Mother is on a tear right now. She woke up at 12:30 today. she has shaven her head for some reason, and she is wearing an orange garment, with a stenciled number on it's chest part. I ask her what she did last night, and she has no idea. She does not even understand the phrase "last night". She just remembers some guy named Jigab and that he didn't look like a Jigab. (wonder what that looks like? Sounds German.)

Sometimes mother has what she calls Forgetful Tyme! She actually spells it with a "y". She LOVES correcting me on that one. It's kinda funny in a very scary, i-feel-very-unsafe-with-her way. Forgetful Tyme usually coincides with the smell of spirits on her breath, and appearing not to notice that she is not wearing a shirt while she talks to me. Other things that may, or may not, occur during these times, (sorry, tymes!) is a missing shoe, satanic sayings written in sharpie on her face, a half empty bottle of rubbing alcohol in her hand, the wearing of a topless clown outfit, a dead goat in the foyer, and a desire to watch the horse whisperer (OK, that one is me, but it makes me feel better every time! sorry, TYME!).

She's been pretty bad lately. and, She take it out on ME! Just last night, she told me to hide in the basement while she watched the tele, and that she "COULDN'T STAND TO LOOK AT ME" while she laughed scarily. I didn't get the joke. it didn't SEEM funny, but, i followed along and started laughing with her. After laughing for a while with her i felt alot better, even though it was fake laugh and i still thought she might hurt me.

tree limbs hurt

2004-10-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, what can i say. Willy is a crapshoot. I see him with stick. i see him laughing maniacally, but i think he's in good mood, I get walloped. Mother says it's my fault, and that i don't "process contexual clues" well. but you know, i believe in the power of friendship. Unfortunately, Willy believes in power of swinging tree limbs. He smack me good this morning. i have bump the size of an ear on my forehead. No benefits of the extra ear though. but would'nt that be neat. I could hear Willy coming, maybe. He's a sneaky bastard. probably not.

So after the Willy incident, I spent some time on my own. i went to the woods, and jumped. i think i jumped at least six inches today. that beats my personal best. 5" and one half. what stinks is that willy, or balz weren't there to see, so technically, it does not count. but i will plead my case. then willy will hit me with the stick again.

I wondered what balz was doing, so I asked mother if i could go and visit Balz. She said that he was dead. Then i said "that wasn't funny". then she said "well, if it wasn't funny, why are you laughing?" I said "i'm not". She said, "You are on the inside!" and i had nothing to say to that. cause well, i wasn't sure.

Well, here i am world

2004-10-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

world? hello? world? oh, there you are. well i'm back. well, actually, i'm just starting actually. i am named Michel. YES, I AM MAN! you are silly american person. i know it's a bit of a fancy name for such a strong and well endowed man such as i am, but well, get used to it! i have! (sort of . . . actually, not really)

anyway, i depress, i have start this blog to let the world know about michel. i am from far away land. Today, i play with my friends, Willy, and Balzac. We call him Balz. (you can't really win with a name like that) Willy is the shy, bludgeon you in the head with arm-sized stick type of kid. a good guy MOST of time. Balzac, he's nice friend too. he give me lizards each time we recreation together. they are always dead, and he always gives them nicknames, as if they had real names to begin with. Today, he give me Alfie. He tells me his real name is alphonse merriweather.

i change the subject each time i receive a lizard as quickly as i can. Balz usually doesn't pick up. But, today, he asked me where i keep the dead lizards with the nicknames. he actually asked for one of them by name! So i just pulled out a lighter i stole from grandfather, and started flicking it.